I used to live in Canada for 3 and half years, i would say, " i was born again ", love of Jesus Christ made me much better.
then I returned to Russia, the religious society couldn't accept me SUCH as I was, resurrected, perfect, Lady
We are forgiven,
We are re-baptized,
We are born again,
And yet we are still there,
We carry out His body,
His spirit,His soul,
His law in our chest..
I experienced big love to Jesus Christ because HE help me stay in alive to live and remember about him. So a take away my old garment and put on of His.
But I got a lots of problem from Ortodox church, because as they say, my husband didn't love me as much as Jesus Christ.
heart of husband was ill with hatred cause of his life experience at young age: I was not the first of his wive.
As for love, I attained it in Canada where we used to live for 3 and a half years
I would have never experienced Love in Russia as I had it only in my loins.
In Canada, my soul found bright-room
The encorucurd childhood of mine
I was baptized in a “chapel”, on the territory of the Church, looking somewhat like a bath-house, with dark walls, lit candles, priests vested, me almost naked wearing panties, my arms folded, shy, 8 years old, brother Maximka of about 3 years old, they say such an atmosphere of baptism can get the desired impact back.
Then we went out, it was daytime, I looked at the Church, I raised my head, there was a high white bell tower and a spire.
My mother, She is very strong, but why did she feel so much anger to me? Her situation was - a job, and daily routine, and husband, and tiredness at coming home, and a mess in it, then - a wave of annoyance causing anger, shouting, "war". How could I experience gracious serenity when my heart was brought up on other ideals, implying that I had a lot of responsibilities, but she didn't know how to ask to me in such a way that they would perform the request with joy, as this is possible only through love, only through Christ.
There was no Christ between the two, between my parents, and they did not go to church, for them church meant just a pope. Candles, icons, twilight. But when you needed something from church, the priests did not welcome they and mostly kept you off themselves. Are you baptized? Yes, I am ....here is a candle,
They lit a candle in front of an icon,
The candle was crying tremblingly,
They candle was telling the story, praying,
The faster the flame the stronger the candle prey
The Church perceived the Soviet Union as an Enemy, starting from the thirties, such as the Soviet government take property of the church and give it to the state.
We didn't like, their church, by revolution, we mowed down, domes and their crosses, because every prist has his own family, his own roof, his own chimney, his own porch, his own goat.
We built our own new world, Who was nothing, became everything, we turned it.
Vladimir Lenin, creited new relision, it called communism and we made many sacrifices, the main commandments was friendship, equality and bratherhood. But the love of Jesus Christ didn't live there.
And they began to build a workers' and peasants' state.
They have arranged a Soviet country, a socialist system,
But without love of Christ , they could not hold up for a long time,
They did not build temples to the God of Their fathers,
that were a Truth, a conscience and a honor.
We need to strive to Christ, to higher-up, but we couldn't , because we only heard about Christ, but did not know THEM.
The favor of Heaven was needed, So, that everything was by love, and not by duty alone.
The leader was a Proletarian,
He had to prayer,
But the priests prayed only
They were not loved by Heaven.
Jesus Christ does not see them,
Jesus Christ does not hear them, they do not pray to Him
They are far away from Him, they went to another country, where the source is the human gut, his willpower, the desire for good,
"Men power", "Men source".
The Second World War comes ..
Adolf came to occupy the territory
Set up his own rules,
Which ones we didn't new,
Of the two evils, we choose the greater one,
and we didn't collect flowers for Adolf..
But Russia is still suffering from the Second World War,
Russia still has demografical problrm , the wamen more over then man
A woman in Russia, still "consumable material"
They wanted justice, a paradise on earth,
But violent rage
Instead of deep love.
My father was a Proletarian, the prists did not even touch his heard and did not give a cross to His mind.
Work, home, and yet, he very tired and wants to watch news program "Time'.
But people used to write out about the Truth, they do know what is good, what is bad, in they heart live a conscience.
My MOTHER used to sew festive clothing, she wanted me to be the best and she did love me, how she can.
Love - we watched movies, their heroes were our ideals.
I always loved someone, when I was a child. With love,
Was more bright in my environment.
Sport helped me to release my heart,
I was engaged in javelin throwing, but there were sports injuries, I was taken to a sports boarding school, I had a lot of physical strength, but sports injuries, did hurt.
I had a surgery, they replaced cruciate and lateral ligaments with the unNATURAL ones.
I knew that friendship was important for the creation of a family and could believe that I would find it,
In 1996 i get married.
The aim of family creation is Children.
I need to say in advance that there was no mutual love between my husband and me, there was just politics and interest.
We came together to have children
I loved him as I could, and gave birth to two children of his, Stas and Yulia.
In 2001 my husband and I , created an organization for the refilling of cartridges,
I was earning money, in Russia, and then I was loved only for them, and it was hard with two small children
I didn't know what a house really meant for a Wife, I was away from my house, I was not a Wife and did not know what it meant to be a wife, i love my job.
Then we moved to Canada
I must to find a job to buy a house or apartment
We began to visit the Orthodox Church on Sundays.
priests sad. Let me get you married in church
I was surprised; I said that we were are already married.
In 2006, I entered in York Dale school, I entered a school where I was offered a choice of training in the most required professions.I studied to become a system administrator of Cisco, a large load of Books in English. There were information, Cisco enters into my mind and the teacher's love and interest to the subject. Quiete reasently, I told myself that I would never love anything again. And so his love and interest in the subject is on my heart and for HIM.
But these information connections I passed the exams, very well.
I gave my heart to this subject, and the subject took my heart .
I even wrote a letter to the teacher and said I loved him.
But he said sorry, I didn't love you, and I went to Temple.
After this incident, I always prayed, read the Gospel, and did physical exercises. So my love for person became love for Jesus Christ (and the Lord God helped me, My soul became His bride),
Jesus, the giver of those who ask, give me a cloak for my sins.
Jesus, the acquisition of those who seek, dress my soul.
Jesus Opener of those who speak, open my heart that is persevered.
Jesus Redeemer of sinners, cleanse my iniquities.
Jesus, son of God, have mercy on me.
And now there is love instead of GAP in my heart. I was born again, I've become better…
But my husband, I could not love him anymore
And I probably did not experience the love of God, when you have joy in your heart and no other heart is needed .
And on the other side of the globe, the air was different, so was the environment. But I did not divorce with my husband, there was not reason.
In Russia love can not live, because of Orthodox church, stands on our heads, in Russia live a truth and a conscience, only.
But I read the Gospels, prey in the morning and in the evening ,
What is sol? It is a note
A note but not just it
Salt is the cornerstone laid in the corner pivot
To pray, to be salted, sanctified, preserved
What is sol – it is a note, but not just it
It is a prayer of yours
(“Salt” and “sol” "soul' in Russian read as the same word – translator’s a note, a spices, part of heard)
How did I reach my Gospels? Life was my teacher,
So my love to a person passed to Jesus Christ
I felt better after a prayer, but it was still hard,
In 2008, I decided to come back to Russia.
In Russia, my husband tried to adjust me to become a person I used to be,
He had only work in his heart and nothing else,
but I did remember how much we worked before moving to Canada,
I resisted, kept hold of the soul loved by the Lord, wanted my children to be in my heart and also my love for Christ.
I worked as a PE teacher, but the unspoken rule worked against me, a teacher of physical culture was supposed to have a good family, meaning that wife and husband had to live in love and no other way.
In 2014, I wanted to go to a convent but obtained no blessing as they said, “Go to grow up your children” until their adulthood.
They forwarded me to work at church
I said, “There's little pay”, they said, “Well, we can’t help”,
I agreed that one didn’t go to church for money, moreover, the decision to go to a convent (to live at the church) was very deeply perceived, I even called my family and told them about it. It was very difficult to make this step, but I understood that it would be more difficult to keep up in the world. They did not take me,
Julia was 16, Stas was 18 years old
And in October I went to work in the refectory of the Alexander Nevsky Lavra as a volunteer.
I attended the service in the morning and did my job after it, but “You can be with God working in any profession”
So, to me, it was a continuation of my monastic life.
I kept hold of my soul, they one loved by the Lord.
I went to the services of Christ and thought they had the same laws.
This is my commandment, That ye love one another, - this is what Christ said,
And the Clerical circle in the Church is such that there are papas at its head, and the rest have to be a part of it, the one they have to manage
Papas did love each other,
But as for me, I went to Christ’s Lavra praying the Lord to heal all the wounds of my soul
And I brought the result of my prayer to Church
I brought my Christ to it
My spiritual wealth
And they got scared because they started to love me by my spirit and hate me because I am civilian I am not from ecclesiastical family.
There are Christ’s children up there
This is some kind of communism, come kind of outcome towards the all Sovients people, strive for, during 70 years and would must come to, and here is the hierarchy alone.
Profession, social strata, all are equal before God, but only before Him
Papas followed the way of hierarchy.
My Lord became their Lord and papas probably felt that................................................there is more of God, and also tried to keep hold of the soul Loved by the Lord and expanded the convent
Moreover, the husband did not love me from heart to heart, and in Russia everything depends on husband, the world treats you as your husband does
Papas should have given my husband quite a bit of the love they had to my Christ, but he didn't want to love anyone. He was convenient, he used to love one day and left his heart in his first marriage (heart is love) he cannot love anymore.
I should have left the family, go to live at my mother’s, as she loved me a little, but I didn't leave as I HAD CHILDREN, I WAS A MOTHER TOO.
So, I used to take my heart to the service every morning, just for the love of Christ, and it passed from one person to another,
And the Kingdom of Heaven was built on this of Feeling of Love
I came to church as if it was the Day of Judgment
They treated me with caution, something like - she should not be in the church, let alone
First, the hostility, they thought I was one of the women of pleasure praying for forgiveness
Second, our love, they want to use it to their advantage as the above mentioned usually do (as it is possible to tacitly control the human soul through love). THEY WERE AFRAID
I felt tension, they were dissatisfied that I attended services too often
They started to ban it, to tacitly take away my Spiritual wealth.
There were so many tears, love and pain, and now I cannot even feel it, they have shortened my heart twice.
My husband was spiritually changing; we were only growing children together
He was given the blessing to live separately, so he moved to sleep in another bed.
He began to alienate more and more, asked for a blessing to divorce, but the spiritual father of the spouse said it was a SIN
And I found myself in a situation where love turns into indifference
And I felt I needed a basis, everything was changing
And thus, the world used to love me, but now it hates me.
And I used to feel love to my children, but now – where are you, a mother in me?
I do not feel love to my children (as sure as church)
There is only a wall of indifference,
It is only after the service in the House of God that we make warm relationship,
But my husband is still unhappy, he wants to be the only one having good relationship with children,
And my husband raised our children with money only
But I cannot do the same anymore, I continue to keep hold of my soul by attending morning services, and this love helped me in all the good.
Coming back from the Service, spiritually elevated and airy,
I open the Door and send my wishes of Good morning to you,
Peace be to this house, the Peace of mine I bring to you
The end of service, A song of the Psalter
Bows, shiny eyes,
Open sky of the domes
And the quiet breathing of icons is heard
But only after the Service can I usually feel from soul to soul that the children’s situation is not easy, I was in Heaven and now – on Earth.
Now my cross is that of wood
And Again I am below zero, It’s where only money that go from heart to heart
But I was forwarded to work in the church as they told me to do when I wanted to go to a convent, due to a disorder in the family
He, the Lord, can see how you feel, how much love you have, war is below zero, peace is above zero. It's all the love of His.
Where and how she came to Church –
it was a convent I lived in for a month,
she was my cousin Sveta, and now she is Mother Olga,
the Mother of ours, she can be trusted and our hearts – and mine too – can be trusted to her,
Without permission, like despots, they took a decision to pass the heart, the Easter mood, to a convent.
Easter mood - prematurely,
Easter mood - in the middle of the Lent
Easter mood - is a good burden,
Easter mood, I wish it lasts forever
And later, everything I had obtained by earnest entreaties over 9 years,
they wanted to make me out of her and then pass the heart
on to their insider person, as if I were a stranger to the church, a worldling,
and they did not even try to understand me and sealed me as a passers-by parishioner.
It would suffice for a simple worldly organization, but not for the Christian Orthodox Church...
In Canada, I was given the New Testament, and when I returned to Russia, the Old Testament was given to me.
They looked at the family - who the mother was, what property she owned. And held a court.
They dropped me down from the Heaven to the Earth, looking for the grounds to love me for what kind of person I was. But they did not find the grounds not to love me either.
My husband does not love me, so they won’t be able to
I felt sick from the job I had to do when I simply squeezed his hatred and unwanted feelings from myself, we did not live together for a long time
During the day, there are worries, problems, but after a run there is no reason why I can’t just pray.
And they fire me for the reasons beyond their control, thinking of me as of a woman of easy virtue.
They fired me, they can not take away from my the yoke of my Jesus Christ. even nothing explains myself , what I need to do.
I went to work at a post office, the work was physically hard, but it was easier with prayer, my prayer turned out alive, it said
Hail Mary, full of grace. Our Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou amongst women and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
They were going to do it too, but then changed for other people around me
I used to go to the Lavra before the work, this is how I remained in one piece
They fired me, they were under pressure of Ortodox church.
The convent I wanted to go to refused to adopt me, they took a bad example to repossess the spiritual wealth
It’s so well, indeed,
If need be – they will pick me up and carry, only I do not know where
This was said to me, and that I said myself
Not responsible for anything
They are such and so am I
Sveta is good person, the holy soul, she does not love for the spirit and does not take the grace away, and they say that spiritual wealth is such that no thief can steal it and no aphids can undermine it
The spirit and the soul at the opposite poles, so it always happens when a person comes to church
Shut up, pretend and put on your vestments
For not to be revealed.
But it is better
To put on your vestment
And believe that this is who you are
Learn, student, learn. Live and remember
And there is no disagreement between the spirit and the soul, when there is honey on your tongue but bad things in your heart.
We are in a vestibule, not in the Church.
And then, all the world's a stage and we are all players on it.
When wholeheartedly, the heart is the head. MEANING THAT THERE IS NO SECOND BOTTOM
How to achieve the consent between the soul and the spirit, when everything is wholehearted, otherwise we will remain in a vestibule of "Honey on the tongue but as for the heart, you FEEL THE SECOND BOTTOM there."
I did turn to Him, but it is hard to follow Him now, I am destroyed by resistance and my faith in justice, and there is only sniveling and the left hand aching where love is supposed to live
I Listened to the sermon to Christ
I said "Amen" and turned to Him, or is it a deeds only choosen one?
I used to come to a convent for a month
And at that time I was better, stronger, I had more faith and love,
And the mother told me that we hindered each other.
After two years, when it was time to go to a convent, I refused: my children became students and they needed me.
They found a reason to hate me
But they said children did not need me and started to turn children against me (as I earned little money)
I started to hear from my husband and son that I interfered with their life, they told me to go to live at grandmother’s.
They firmly believe in the bad, then look for a reason to punish and fail to find it, I hope that I am an exception from the rules
I used to go to the Lavra every day for 2 years, praying for the family - Julia, Stas, Igor,
The result:
Children, witnessing such an attitude of father to mother, lost their respect for their mother,
I don’t earn enough money
They fire me from work for the reasons beyond their control,
I cannot find a job by my profession anymore
Children receive money from my spouse together with his disrespect for me
We separated by mutual agreement
It is impossible to sleep at home
Yes, they do not take my housing away, but they take my life away and give the life of somebody else instead.
I want to go back to where I am supposed to be, but for this case.
You can say that it only seems to me to be like this, but if so, everything around us is just a mirage, it does not exist just like you don’t, He doesn’t see you just like you don’t see Him, and if not - just say “I believe, so be it”
Since 2007, I have tried to keep the gift I received in Canada. I chose the law, and now love is always with me.
My Love for Jesus Christ and His love for people and this is the order and the rule.
Him to me, and this is when you live in His world, you fulfill His commandments out of love and not out of duty. All these years I tried to save and pass this state to my children. Since 2014, I went to Church Services every day, because I lived for a month in accordance with the monastic charter. I tried to adhere to this charter in the world in order to preserve the love of Jesus Christ, which helped me in everything good.
But the church ministers showed themselves, missundertand me the essence, condemned me. I came to the temple like a terrible judgment.